Four Ways to Take a Shower

Hygiene can be a big thing for autists, so here is a basic showering how to. It will work for the neurotypical as well. 😀

Let’s begin here. No lady or gent actually wants to date a chemical plant. If you are marinading in your perfume, if your co-workers can smell you more than a minute after you’re gone, you’re doing it wrong.

And given that serious allergies to colognes, perfumes, and incense are on the rise, if you are wearing enough Axe to create a massacre, then you are not going to get laid. Period. No one is going to risk a sneezing fit or an ER visit for you, not even if you look like Brad Pitt or Katy Perry.

So just stop wearing the stuff.

You also DO NOT need moisturizers, body washes, or most other shower products. Indeed dermatologists agree that these items can all cause serous skin conditions or even dangerous allergies later in life.

That does not mean I won’t include how to properly use them if you feel you must, however. Zero judgments here. Just keep reading.

And if you really feel you need a signature scent, that’s fine. Try a lightly scented deodorant, or use essential oils. (More on that later.)

And this is not just my opinion – here is just one article on the topic for those who need to know what’s what. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/29/showering-mistakes_n_4670672.html

That said, let’s get down to the nitty gritty, eh?

Everyday should start with a shower – but what kind?

There are actually a surprising number to choose from.

So today, let’s get down to the basics and I’ll explain the four primary types of showers and what they are and are not good for.

The “Navy Shower”

This is the quickest and most water efficient shower. And surprisingly it takes a little practice. You have to learn just how much soap and water to use.

  • Turn on water, let it warm up.
  • Step into the shower and leave it on just long enough to get wet, then turn it off.
  • Shampoo your hair (in the Navy you will usually use the same bar of soap to shampoo rather than a different product) and wash yourself, all without the water on. You are really going to want to use a loofah, brush, or sponge to scrub yourself really really hard because you won’t have the water on to help you.
  • When you’re finished soaping up and scrubbing off, turn the water back on and rinse off.

And that’s the whole thing.

This kind of shower is good for environmentalists, those in water poor areas, those who really need to cut down their water bill, those in a serious hurry.

In general this is not a shower to enjoy, just a shower that will get you clean.

The “Hollywood Shower”

This is a Navy term as well, and it basically just indicates what we would consider a real shower.

This is a basic shower, we’ll get more complicated later. 🙂

  • Get your soap – bar or liquid (I prefer liquid as you are more likely to get a good foam and it is considered safer, you’d be amazed how many people bite the bullet by dropping the soap and then stepping on it!)
  • Get your shampoo and conditioner (if you use it).
  • Include a washcloth and a loofah – and no those are not “girly” – you need to actually scrub your skin and loofahs and wash clothes help you get into crevices far more efficiently. Plus getting ALL the soap off helps prevent boils, pimples, and skin infections.
  • Start the shower and let the water warm up.
  • Take your soap and lather your entire body with it. This includes your ears, face, cheeks, chin, throat and neck, shoulders, armpits, as much of your back as you can reach, butt cheeks, butt crack and the outer area of the anus (do not get soap in anus or urethra as this will cause pain), all external areas of the genitals, soles of your feet (CAREFULLY!), and between your toes.
  • Work up a good lather with your hands and then follow up with the loofah and washcloth paying especial attention to anywhere the skin folds.
  • Rinse your entire body carefully and rinse the loofah or washcloth. You’ll need them again in a minute.
  • Next turn your back to the water and while shielding your hands to reduce waste, put about a quarter sized dab of shampoo in your palm and then rub your hands together to start a lather. Step just outside of the spray and lather your head thoroughly with the shampoo.
  • Do your entire head and do your eyebrows as well. Use your fingernails to massage the scalp and help remove any skin flakes (this helps prevent dandruff).
  • Rinse your face and hair until the water runs clear. Remember to keep your eyes closed while rinsing your eyebrows.
  • Rinse your body again to sluice off any shampoo residues and follow up with the washcloth or loofah again paying attention to folded or creviced areas of the skin.

And you’re done.

This is a good simple shower for those who are looking for a no frills clean, who do not have any skin conditions, and who do not have thinning or brittle hair.

The “Scottish Shower” aka “The James Bond Special”

To take a Scottish shower take a Hollywood shower but do each rinse in the coldest water your tap can provide.

Yes, COLD.

There are allegedly many health benefits to cold water bathing – especially if done right.

In theory the hot water encourages your veins and arteries to expand, creating more blood flow to the surface area. The hot water also allows the soap to work more efficiently and dissolves excess skin oils. At the rinse point you briefly switch to a cold water spray. Then your circulatory system rapidly contracts, but the overall effect is not meant to be especially bracing.

The hot and cold cycle of a Scottish shower continue for several minutes, then you finish off with a cold rinse that closes all your pores and speeds up your heart rate.

Personally I hate this sensation as it leaves me shivering, but then I have a lower than normal body temperature due to a health problem.

Many people swear by the Scottish shower so by all means give it a try.

This shower is good for those with skin conditions, allergies, toxin in the liver or kidneys ( so it’s good for a hangover), and it will definitely wake you up in a hurry.

The “Spa” Shower

This shower begins as a Hollywood Shower but adds many layers of sensuality. So be patient and read all the way through!

  • Get your soap – bar or liquid (I prefer liquid as you are more likely to get a good foam and it is considered safer, you’d be amazed how many people bite the bullet by dropping the soap and then stepping on it!)
  • Get your shampoo and conditioner (if you use it).
  • Get your body wash. I like to use any Dr. Bronner’s product, but Peppermint is my favorite.
  • Get a moisturizer.
  • Include a washcloth and a loofah – and no those are not “girly” – you need to actually scrub your skin and loofahs and wash clothes help you get into crevices far more efficiently. Plus getting ALL the soap off helps prevent boils, pimples, and skin infections.
  • Start the shower and let the water warm up. While the shower warms comb your hair to remove tangles and help induce a thicker shampoo lather.
  • Those with bathtub/showers – plug the bathtub. This keeps all the warmth inside the enclosure and helps concentrate the steam of the shower. If you just have a shower stall skip this step, we’ll still make it special.
  • Take your soap and lather your entire body with it. This includes your ears, face, cheeks, chin, throat and neck, shoulders, armpits, as much of your back as you can reach, butt cheeks, butt crack and the outer area of the anus (do not get soap in anus or urethra as this will cause pain), all external areas of the genitals, soles of your feet (CAREFULLY!), and between your toes.
  • Work up a good lather with your hands and then follow up with the loofah and washcloth paying especial attention to anywhere the skin folds.
  • Rinse your entire body carefully and rinse the loofah or washcloth. You’ll need them again in a minute.
  • Next turn your back to the water and while shielding your hands to reduce waste, put about a quarter sized dab of shampoo in your palm and then rub your hands together to start a lather. Step just outside of the spray and lather your head thoroughly with the shampoo.
  • Do your entire head and do your eyebrows as well. Use your fingernails to massage the scalp and help remove any skin flakes (this helps prevent dandruff).
  • Rinse your face and hair until the water runs clear. Remember to keep your eyes closed while rinsing your eyebrows.
  • Rinse your body again to sluice off any shampoo residues and follow up with the washcloth or loofah again paying attention to folded or creviced areas of the skin.
  • Next turn your back to the water and while shielding your hands to reduce waste, put about a quarter sized dab of scented body wash -menthol, peppermint, and cinnamon are awesome. Flower scents also work well for those who like them – in your palm and then rub your hands together to start a lather. Step just outside of the spray and lather your body thoroughly with the body wash.
  • Do your entire body. Use your fingernails and the loofah to massage your skin and help remove any skin flakes (this helps prevent blackheads, pimples, etc.).
  • If you filled the tub with your excess water – let it drain as you rise.
  • Rinse your body completely to sluice off any body wash residues and follow up with the washcloth or loofah again paying attention to folded or creviced areas of the skin.
  • Turn off the shower and dry yourself gently. Pat do not scrub.
  • Now gently add a layer of your favorite skin moisturizer while your pores are still open.
  • Comb your hair again to prevent tangles.

You’re done.

This shower guarantees a certain scent and also rather soft skin. It is great for a predate shower, for a relaxing shower, or for a post sex shower.

Note the post sex. Despite the hype, sex in the shower does not actually work. It tends to be too small a space, someone will always be cold, and you are washing all the bodies’ natural lubricants away. Sharing a sensual “Spa” shower afterwards is grand, however.

So there you have it. Enjoy!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s